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Monday, April 4th is my Astyn’s birthday.  She would have been 37 years old.  That’s weird to me.  In my mind she will be forever 14 years and 4 weeks old.  She was due on Easter Sunday in 1985, but my doctor asked me to induce so she wouldn’t come over the weekend.  She was born on Thursday the 4th even though she was due on the 7th not only Easter Sunday but my brother’s birthday.  There was a small stuffed  bunny in her crib at the hospital and she was forever my little Easter baby.

It’s a strange thing, losing your child.  You lose part of yourself.  You lose more than you realize.  I lost being called ‘Astyn’s mom.’  I lost a group of moms I sat with at events.  I lost her friends in my home. I didn’t need SpaghettiOs or as much peanut butter.  I just left that part of my life without having time to prepare or consider how difficult it might be.  I lost her part in our family.  Oh, my, the crazy but brave youngest of four child – how she tested me but how she taught me to love in a whole new way. How very uninhibited she was, how anxious she was to be as old as her sisters, how very tender she was.  Many times, as I learned to hide my grief from the rest of the world I missed her again.  She had that empathetic eye that would have asked me, “What’s wrong, mama?” when no one else could tell.  It was strange to miss that and realize the reason I grieved was because ‘that’ was missing.

As I did a big cleanout one day I came across a large trash bag full of troll dolls.  Yes, she loved them. I missed her playing with them and thought to myself, ‘I’ll save these for her children.’  Wow! I had to shake myself.  It was just one of those slips of the mind, one of those moments when the real isn’t real.  One of those moments when you feel it like it just happened.  I lost putting a wedding together and seeing a bride’s smile.  I lost watching her be a mom. I lost rocking her babies and being their MaMa.   Would she have followed through with life goals or would they have changed? I would have cheered her on either way.  I lost a life that day…and part of it was mine.

As I tried to reconcile myself to being here without her, Father held me so close.  I cannot even explain the feeling, but much more than a feeling.  His very real presence let me know that He was grieving for me too.  I don’t know how anyone can do life without God.  I don’t know how God let His Son go for 33 years and let Him die for my salvation!  But I am grateful!  I am so very grateful.  As I miss my child I realize that Father let His go so I could have mine back.  No one has ever given me a gift like that.  No one would.

Bunnies and eggs in the store mean it is my Astyn’s birthday. Her last birthday here was on Resurrection Sunday.   All that Easter is burns inside my heart.  As I think on this very special gift and this time we set aside to especially remember, I am brought to my knees in adoration and humbled with deep humility.  Jesus rolled the stone away.  He gave life where there was no life.  He opened the doors of Heaven…and He escorted a sweet smiling girl to the land of eternal day.  At the same time, He counted each of my tears, held me close and gently whispered, ‘don’t cry, Diane, she is not dead but only sleeping and I have brought her in to my fold.  She joyfully waits for you there.’

Luke 8:51-56                                                                                                                                                                                                  John 3:16-17

Showing 13 comments
  • Renee Taylor

    Beautiful Diane! 🙏❤️

    • Diane Qubty

      Thank you, sweet friend ♥️

  • Monica Sawyer

    Thank You for sharing this profoundly sad, yet hope filled story; hard yet comforting truth to encourage us all. May the Lord bless you and yours with great anticipation of the JoY to be had by all on the day you are reunited. In Jesus’ name.

    • Diane Qubty

      Thank you 🙏🏻 ♥️ I do look forward to that joyous day! 😊

  • Debi Rogers

    I too have lost a child and I can relate to everything you have said. Thank you for sharing your heart; I found it very comforting.

    • Diane Qubty

      Debi, sweet sister, I am so sorry you lost your child. My heart goes out to you. I’m glad you found a little comfort in my article. Holy Spirit connected us today. Praying that you may continue to find comfort through our loving Father
      I’d be glad to lend an ear anytime. Find me on fb Diane Johnson Qubty Blessings ❤️🙏🏻❤️

  • Keri

    Diane, what beautiful words you have put together to share your heart. Love you all so much and we miss sweet Astyn 💞

  • Karen Ann Harris

    ❤️❤️🙏

  • Karen Ann Harris

    ❤️❤️🙏❤️❤️

  • Perri

    Beautiful words and thoughts of a very strong mama! Thank you, once again, for helping me become closer to God because of your faithfulness! 💖

  • Debbie Skeens

    Never stop writing my friend. You bring new insight, you point us to Jesus our hope.You honor and bring glory to who He is. Thank you for sharing.

  • Cathy Coleman

    Beautiful story- written with love. Thank you for sharing with us

  • Ashley Jungman

    I love reading your post it gives me joy!!! I love and miss Astyn dearly. Thank you for sharing.