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A Child dies.  Another mother grieves.  A parent feels guilt unimaginable.  Dad can’t talk or feel anything anymore and mom is angry with God.  …and my heart feels their pain as I cringe listening to their words.  I know that God didn’t abandon them.  I know He hurts with them.  I know He didn’t do this, but how do I let them know?  Death feels so permanent here on this earth.  The pain in your heart permeates through your entire body.  It makes your muscles sore.  It pulls at your stomach. Guilt and loss will keep a tight grip on your mind.  Heartache is consuming.  It’s real and it hurts.  

Easter Sunday was on my Astyn’s birthday this year just like it was on her last year on this earth.  Four weeks later, also on a Sunday, my Easter baby flew to Heaven…and left me here.  It’s a loss we can’t imagine in our worst nightmares.  A hug shared between moms who have lost their children is sacred.  As I think of losing her every part of my body feels it – even 22 years later.  And I remember talking to God.  I wanted to fall into His arms and find some relief from the pain.  I wanted to see where she was and know she was ok. But mostly I wanted to ask Him, “What happened?”  And so, I did.  ‘Where were you, Father?’  ‘I trusted You with her. I asked for you to keep her safe and then I counted it as Done.’ 

Guilt overcame me in so many forms.  Did I miss something?  Did my Father try to show me that I needed to protect her and I missed the signs?  Why didn’t I go in the basement and watch that old movie with her?  I didn’t know there wouldn’t be a ‘later.’ I chose my junior and senior’s ballgames over hers when they coincided because I thought I had many more of hers to watch.  I shouldn’t have taken that for granted.  And the enemy jumped in with ‘remember this and remember that…’  I hate him – satan is the father of lies and he loves to find us vulnerable.  

Maybe you have felt the same.  But let me tell you why, even though Easter is a difficult day for me, Easter is the most wonderful day for me.  It’s the day that God said, ‘Here I am!  I didn’t leave you!  I want you to see her again!’  It’s the day it all made sense to the disciples and Mary.  It’s the day that Jesus conquered death and pain and guilt and heartache.  It’s the day that God became part of our soul.  The day of one’s earthly death is holy.  

Lazarus had died.  He was buried in a tomb.  His sisters, Martha and Mary, were grieving.  After four days the Jews believed that he was truly gone, that his soul had left his body.  And they asked their friend and teacher, “Where were you, Jesus?  You could have saved him.”  Jesus wept.  He was a man of great emotion and love.  And then He did what no one expected.  He called the dead to life.  He showed everyone what the glory of God looks like. “Lazarus, come out!”  Lazarus rose alive and well.  He took off his grave clothes and put on something new.  Not everyone believed.  Not everyone was happy.  But many marveled and believed.  Lazarus, Martha, and Mary were forever changed.

This life is human.  We are not perfect.  We’ve let sin that leads to death into our world.  God could have abandoned us, but He didn’t.  He sent His Son down to us.  He gives new life.  He’ll put new life into an old, tattered heart.  He’ll raise your spirit from the ashes of despair.  When my Astyn died, Father didn’t abandon or forget.  He was the first one there.  He held me in His arms and felt my pain.  But the true comfort comes from knowing His words.  ‘Astyn, come on up!  Take off those grave clothes.  I’ve got  new and beautiful garments for you.  I have loved you with an everlasting love.  Death will never touch you again.  We will never be separated.   I have seen to that!’  The smile on both their faces brings me incomparable joy. He tells us there are no tears in Heaven.  But I have to wonder how I will behold them both without crying.  I don’t know, but I DO KNOW I will behold them both!  Hallelujah!


That’s where He was…preparing a place.  Be blessed.

Diane Qubty

Showing 6 comments
  • Denise Dietz
    Reply

    I needed to hear this today. There’s a tremendous mystery wrapped around untimely losses. You have shined light on my path, I hope yours is brightened, too! I hear a rumble in heaven. “Astyn – your mom is an amazing women!” I’m certain you know that – but I just wanted to speak it out load!

  • Sylvia Miller
    Reply

    Diane,
    Thanks for sharing this. I too have felt that pain and it was terrible. I turned to the world to find comfort and it never came. I turned my back on my faith and I was hopeless, I was like a lost ship out on the great big ocean and didn’t think I would ever find my way. I was sunk at sea. Only when I found Jesus did I find comfort in my dead and rotting soul. God is good and God is faithful and true comfort does come only from knowing Him and His words. Bless you.

  • Kay Gipson
    Reply

    That is a great article. Thank you.

  • Beverly St. Clair
    Reply

    Diane,
    Your writing is so encouraging. I have thought of you and your family so many times over the years. Y’all are pretty amazing…especially you! Thank you for sharing❣️

  • Juanita Kuehn
    Reply

    We recently lost our wonderful daughter, Robin. Our greatest comfort was in knowing that now she is out of the pain of her cancer and dancing with her Heavenly Father. The loss still hurts, but the joy of her victory is very comforting.

  • Celia
    Reply

    Your words and thoughts brought me comfort today. I will lay my sweet mom to rest tomorrow. This journey has been hard for me. Losing my sister at age 41 was hard. Losing my daddy was hard. But my mom was old. She was 100 years old and lived a long life. So it’s a different loss. Unlike the loss of your precious child. Astyn was only 14. That’s not old enough. Every loss is hard, but none like the loss of a child. I can only imagine it, or even just think about it and I feel devastated at the mere thought. I’ve often wondered how a mom could pick herself up off the floor and ever walk again, smile again or even laugh ever again.
    You told me several years ago it has only been with God’s help and strength that you are able to continue. You have been such a shining example of strength and faith to those that know you. You might not always feel it on the inside, but we still see God’s light and love in you every day. Your words today bring me comfort when I picture my mom in her new body, when her faith became sight and she is in the presence of our Lord and Savior. That helps me smile for them. They have received their reward. ♥️♥️♥️

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